I’m afraid my friend group will kick me out if I tell them my political views.

Between you and me, it’s difficult to figure out what’s red, blue or purple. First, if you’re not sure what color they are, test out the waters with a question, like: “So how about that LGBTQ SC library book display?” or “what’s your favorite amendment?” And if your friend responds with “yassssssss, slay queen!” or “deer hunting season already?” then you probably know where they stand. Second, soft launch your own beliefs, but don’t associate with a party. At the core of politics—under jokes, ads, and tension—is the hope for a brighter, more colorful America. Ultimately, a more politically diverse friend group is better and you should be accepted no matter your beliefs. Purple is the best color anyway.

There’s a girl trying to join my friend group but we all think she’s weird. How do we politely reject her?

Between you and me, if your original description of her was so bad I had to begrudgingly censor it, then maybe it’s time to check yourself. Being nice to people isn’t some chore you’re forced to do by your mom, it’s common decency. And don’t pretend side-eyes and snickering behind her back is you being nice. Your second grade teacher and I know that deep, deep, deep down you can find it in yourself to take a deep breath, smile at her and ask her about her day.

I miss my ex-girlfriend, but she probably hates me. How do I win her back?

Between you and me, leave her alone.

I feel bad about using ChatGPT, but I can’t stop. What should I do?

Between you and me, are six dead fish worth asking ChatGPT how many “r”s are in strawberry for the seventh time? Probably, it’s pretty entertaining. But if you don’t want this entire world to go belly up, maybe cancel that $19.99 subscription you split with a random college student, your best friend from second grade, and your grandma. Microsoft Copilot, Google’s Gemini, and ChatGPT: pick your poison, but be careful because Quillbot’s AI Humanizer has recently been blocked (not that I’m salty or anything). You don’t need me to tell you that AI is bad for our environment: AI can burn through about 2 million liters of water per day, as reported by the International Energy Agency (IEA). Hence the dead fishies, dolphins, turtles, whales, sea otters, and birds. But AI also grows economies, improves public services, and—most importantly—tells me Delta Math is stupid and I can just marry rich. Overall, you have to take a long hard look in the mirror—like 30 seconds because Subway Surfers cooked your attention span—and ask yourself if the environment matters more than your productivity.