The voice of Lyons Township students for more than 100 years

LION Newspaper

LT implements speed minimum for hallways

Sarah Grier, Assistant web editor

June 1, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

After years of student’s turtle-like pace in the hallways, Officer Terry Paul has finally posted the 15 leg paces per hour (LPH) speed minimum in the halls. Students and faculty now adjust to the major changes in the pace throughout both North and South campus. “I no longer feel like a freshman...

Deformed student finds calling in part-time job

Charlie Stefuicki, Managing editor of content

June 1, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

  During the 2016-2017 school year, the students and staff of North Campus have lacked a certain charm throughout their day. The bell, one of the most iconic features of the century-old school building, had been out of service for the majority of the year. School administrators floated the idea...

Gym flag footballers attract D1 offers

Grant Campbell, News Editor

June 1, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

For Hugh J. Hitter '17, playing collegiate football never crossed his mind. The gym class star has attracted offers from Alabama, Clemson, Wisconsin and other top programs. “Gym class was really the first time I played football,” Hitter said. “Mr. Adams told us it was flag football, but that didn’...

Fan gives student wacky new ‘doo

Caroline Konstant, Pulse Editor

June 1, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire), May 25

Student Mark Curley ‘18 was stunned when she found five inches of her hair on the floor moments after a ceiling fan blade detached and flew in her direction. Her hair was unevenly cut all along her right side, leaving her with two different hair lengths. No students were injured in this incident. ...

LT Football claims student athletes should be paid

Philip Smith, Editor in chief

June 1, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

After coming remarkably close to winning several games this past season, LT football has demanded that student athletes who play football should be paid for the 2017-18 season. “I mean, we already get all of the blue card money from cross country and all the other sports, but our players need to...

Consumer teacher: “Just buy a lottery ticket.”

Philip Smith, Editor in thief

June 1, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

Consumer Education teachers Charles Ponzi and Bernard Madoff have come up with a new, surefire plan to turn all LT students into millionaires. “Never mind all the balancing checkbooks and filing taxes,” Ponzi said. “If each LT student gives me their summer earnings—just about $1,000 or so—we’d...

Campus frustrated by geese

Brandt Siegfried, Reporter

June 1, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire), May 25

Geese at LT have become an annual occurrence. During the spring, Canada Goose nest in the court yards at SC. They inhabit the areas inside, around and even on top of LT. Students have cited excessive noise during tests as well as feces on sidewalks. These issues have prompted the school board to act, Princip...

Student athlete claims life is too hard

Student athlete claims life is too hard

June 1, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire), Uncategorized

Student-athlete, Brody “Lax Bro” Chaddington '17, has demanded to drop all of his coursework immediately. Chaddington has tweeted out several times in the last month complaining that “the grind is too much, Principal Brain Waterwoman let me drop.” Chaddington’s requests have been denied. ...

Auto club builds Transformer

Katie Palermo, Photo editor

June 1, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

Auto club has been known to compete in car competitions and go-kart races, but Ford Ferrari ’18 thought it was time for something new. After a “pit-crew” movie night watching 2007’s “Transformers”, Ferrari’s motor started running. “We’ve built junk cars into semi-operating vehicles,...

Shuttle provided from parking spaces

Greta Markey, Copy editor

June 1, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

The Board of Education announced on April 1, 2017 that starting in the 2017-2018 school year, shuttles will be provided from specified student parking places. The parking sections expand past the cut-off which denotes whether or not a student receives a bus pass, and therefore any student who parks there...

Oy Vey Volleyball

Oy Vey Volleyball

Mikaela Larson, Reporter

June 1, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire), Uncategorized

While church league basketball may take precedence at LT and the surrounding western suburbs, the lesser known synagogue league volleyball begins its postseason next week with the only two teams taking the forefront, the Notorious D.I.G. of Congregation Etz Chaim in Lombard and Kiss My Ace of B’nai...

Kellogg’s Fruity Snack stock rises by 25% thanks to LT sales

Lindsey Hauch, Pulse editor

June 1, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

The sweet aroma of artificial sweetener constantly blankets the hallways and classes of LT due to Kellogg's Fruity Snacks. With three nutritional flavors of wild berry, cherry and strawberry, students can't get enough of this $1 phenomenon. However, many begin to wonder about LT's involvement with the c...

NC lower library turns into Tinder meetup

Katie Palermo, Photo editor

May 25, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

The small groupings of loveseats and chairs added to the lower library have become ideal spots for students to meet Tinder dates. With the intent to create study groups, the setup has attracted primary meetups between potential couples. “I mean ya, it’s still in school, but like you gotta kill...

Archery club not cancelled

Archery club not cancelled

Charlie Stelnicki, Assistant Sports Editor

May 16, 2016


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

On May (xx), LT’s archery club is set to have its first scheduled meeting since October. The group has been so consistently cancelled due to weather and lack of attendance by teacher sponsors that offices at both campuses have ceased announcing the club’s cancellations altogether, SC main office...

Desperate times, expensive measures

Desperate times, expensive measures

Heidi Hauch, Business Manager

May 16, 2016


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

As most teenagers are picking up extra shifts to earn money for the prom dance and post-prom boat ride, Cheryl Watkins `16 has taken on an extra financial burden: a male escort as her date. “My mom said she’d be disappointed and ashamed if I didn’t get a date,” Watkins said. “Plus, I couldn’t f...

Obama family fed-up with presidency

Obama family fed-up with presidency

Izy Scott, Art Director

May 12, 2016


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

It started with a simple tweet from @POTUS on Friday that confirmed President Barack Obama’s attitude towards the 2016 election: “LOL. You seriously have no idea how sucky the next four years of your life are about to get without your buddy Barack :) #HateYouAll #SoDoesTrump.” The tweet, in refere...

The voice of Lyons Township students for more than 100 years
LiOnion (satire)