LION Newspaper

Hinsdale Central to leave WSC Conference

Mikaela Larson, Sports Editor

May 24, 2018


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

Claiming they can no longer play against “peasants,” Hinsdale Central has elected to leave the West Suburban Conference (WSC) at the beginning of the 2018-19 school year. “We have never considered ourselves a part of the Western Suburbs,” Principal Squilliam Fancyson said. “Emotionally, ...

Branch of Hinsdale cult opens up at Lyons Township, students fear safety

Sydney Kaehler, Opinions Editor

May 24, 2018


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

This past week, Lyons Township High School North Campus was sent into a hard lockdown after receiving multiple Speak-Up Line calls about threats involving alleged “cult-like activity and witchcraft” within the classrooms, halls and bathrooms. Further investigation traced threats back to the Institute...

Bored Housewives Association presses school on beige lockers

Sarah Grier, Pulse Editor

May 24, 2018


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

Susan Freal, a mother of two LT students, launched a new campaign to repaint the lockers lining the NC halls. “I was watching HGTV one Tuesday afternoon when it hit me,” Freal said. “The only thing that differs between a middle and upper class home is tasteful color palettes. That’s what I ...

Melon Yusk to build Hyperloop between campuses, eliminate activity bus

Brandt Siegfried, Online Editor

May 24, 2018


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

Billionaire inventor Melon Yusk announced his plans to construct a Hyperloop high-speed rail train between NC and SC at April’s school board meeting. When finished, the Hyperloop will shuttle students underground between campuses at approximately 700 miles per hour, or 0.001428 seconds. After an arduous permi...

Ark of the Covenant, other items stored on LT’s fourth floor

Brandt Siegfried, Online Editor

May 24, 2018


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

While many believed that the Ark of the Covenant was safely stored by the U.S. government at Hangar 51 after the production of Raiders of the Lost Ark, local historians can now conclude that Illinois John actually stored it on the fourth floor of NC. The discovery came after building and grounds empl...

Female athletics honor trash bin

Maddy Cohen, Art Director

May 24, 2018


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

The Vaughn Gym was filled with streamers and balloons this past Thursday as the girls basketball and volleyball teams honored their most devoted fan: a garbage can. “This bin has been with us through thick and thin,” Femma Eink ’18 said. “It has been to more games than my mom has.” T...

LT students become stars of “The Shape of Water 2” after bad reaction to NC pool

Maddy Cohen, Art Director

May 24, 2018


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

NC Swimming Pool- As the water games gym unit was about to come to a close, a group of students underwent a beautiful and breathtaking transformation into floating, green slime balls. This chemical and spiritual reaction was due to an large overuse of chlorine in the pool. “The pool had an overbearing...

LT students become stars of “The Shape of Water 2” after bad reaction to NC pool

Maddy Cohen, Art Director

May 24, 2018


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

NC Swimming Pool- As the water games gym unit was about to come to a close, a group of students underwent a beautiful and breathtaking transformation into floating, green slime balls. This chemical and spiritual reaction was due to an large overuse of chlorine in the pool. “The pool had an overbearing...

LT Implements rooms designated for e-vape

Spiro Kass, Editor-in-Chief

May 24, 2018


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

In light of a recent increase of a particular habit, LT has placed not smoke rooms, but “Juul” rooms in both NC and SC for students to use when they need a nicotine break. Each room is designed to ensure comfort for student users, and is available to students during lunch and passing periods. “I...

Frat boy realizes he peaked in high school

Maddy Cohen, Art Director

May 24, 2018


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

After a former LT student came back from spring break, a faint smell of alcohol, B.O. and disappointment was left behind. Chet “BIG BOY” Archibald ‘17 returned to Western Springs this past March looking worse than ever. “His behavior is getting worrisome,” Chet’s roommate Bret Braddingto...

How to not be the WOAT (in no particular order)

Lindsey Hauch, Pulse Editor

May 24, 2018


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

Stay in your lane Do not become a public figure on Instagram Wear socks on the gymnastics gym floor Keep the amount of Hampton Social posts to a minimum Do not Snapchat the entire concert Keep your texts to yourself, VSCO is not the place "Streaks" ...

LT implements speed minimum for hallways

Sarah Grier, Assistant web editor

June 1, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

After years of student’s turtle-like pace in the hallways, Officer Terry Paul has finally posted the 15 leg paces per hour (LPH) speed minimum in the halls. Students and faculty now adjust to the major changes in the pace throughout both North and South campus. “I no longer feel like a freshman...

Deformed student finds calling in part-time job

Charlie Stefuicki, Managing editor of content

June 1, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

  During the 2016-2017 school year, the students and staff of North Campus have lacked a certain charm throughout their day. The bell, one of the most iconic features of the century-old school building, had been out of service for the majority of the year. School administrators floated the idea...

Gym flag footballers attract D1 offers

Grant Campbell, News Editor

June 1, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

For Hugh J. Hitter '17, playing collegiate football never crossed his mind. The gym class star has attracted offers from Alabama, Clemson, Wisconsin and other top programs. “Gym class was really the first time I played football,” Hitter said. “Mr. Adams told us it was flag football, but that didn’...

Fan gives student wacky new ‘doo

Caroline Konstant, Pulse Editor

June 1, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire), May 25

Student Mark Curley ‘18 was stunned when she found five inches of her hair on the floor moments after a ceiling fan blade detached and flew in her direction. Her hair was unevenly cut all along her right side, leaving her with two different hair lengths. No students were injured in this incident. ...

LT Football claims student athletes should be paid

Philip Smith, Editor in chief

June 1, 2017


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

After coming remarkably close to winning several games this past season, LT football has demanded that student athletes who play football should be paid for the 2017-18 season. “I mean, we already get all of the blue card money from cross country and all the other sports, but our players need to...

The voice of Lyons Township students for more than 100 years
LiOnion (satire)