Horoscopes: LiOnion

Pilar Valdes, Art director

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Aries

Your love life is expected to take a fiery up turn very soon, similar to the Indian food you had for lunch today. Don’t take things too fast though, or your heart will experience a feeling similar to what your bowels felt earlier.

 

Taurus

Go cow tipping tonight. Venus is in retrograde and the only way to appease the stars is to tip over all of the cows in sight. Please the stars tonight, deal with the angry farmers tomorrow.

 

Gemini

You will experience an economic downturn soon. Its because you posted a picture of your debit card on your finsta and I stole the number and bought shoes. Also because Mercury is in retrograde.

 

Cancer

Try switching things up a little bit this week. Change your phone to a language you don’t know. Try Swahili. Eat some vegetables for a change. Go for a run. Drink water. Please. Your body is begging you.

 

Leo

Sleep with one eye open this week, someone very close to you is expected to betray you. I’d suspect your uncle Jim but whos to say.

 

Virgo

You deserve to breathe. I don’t mean that you deserve to relax, your lungs just deserve to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide.

 

Libra

Rip off that bandaid. Like seriously, I think that cut is infected and it’s really starting to stank up our English class. I can’t focus when your knee is pussing like that.

 

Scorpio

Look, you’ve seriously got to chill. I’d recommend walking into a freezer or something but I don’t know anywhere you can do that where it wouldn’t be considered trespassing. Maybe stick your head in a bucket of ice water? Whatever it takes at this point.

 

Sagittarius

You are GLOWING! Like seriously what is your secret? Are you pregnant? The stars are telling me you should probably take a pregnancy test because a dewy look like that does not come from an Anastasia glow kit.

 

Capricorn

Look at the clouds today. Do you see that deeply threatening an ominous half lizard half goat monster in the sky too? What does it mean? Why do I see it in my dreams and tea leaves? Why does the hair in my drain keep looking like it? Why won’t it leave me alone?

 

Aquarius

Look, there is nothing good coming for you in the next few months. The stars are really not digging you this month. So, you might as well start wearing plaid and stripes and pink on red because things are not looking up for you.

 

Pisces

Open up this week. Trust others more. That stranger standing outside the parking garage? Let him be your valet. You never know what could happen. Your car could get stolen, but it could also not.

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