The voice of Lyons Township students for more than 100 years

LION Newspaper

The voice of Lyons Township students for more than 100 years

LION Newspaper

The voice of Lyons Township students for more than 100 years

LION Newspaper


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LiOnion: Plymouth Place faces antiquated terror

Elderly folk misunderstand meaning of senior assassin; Plymouth Place declared war zone

Against the setting sun, a war torn battle cry echoes across the gardens. Chess pieces crack against the concrete as they fly to the grounds of the courtyard. This once quaint, relaxing retirement community has turned into a battleground since elderly residents learned of “senior assassin,’”a contest for seniors at LT where they battle one on one with water guns for a sizable cash prize.

“I heard some chit chat about this whole senior assassin rouse in the common area,” Plymouth Place resident Rose Nylund said. “Well, I’ll tell you, it just about scared me half to death. I  figured that Plymouth Place had to be on their hit list, so I did what I felt was necessary.”

Nylund spent weeks collecting a variety of arsenal, ranging from sharpened knitting needles to shards of broken china from her antique collection.

The first killing took place on Feb. 26, when Nylund found resident Stanley Zbornak in the dining hall pocketing forks and knives on his way to the salad bar. It was later discovered that Zbornak, who had caught wind of “the senior assassin,” was also simply looking for ammunition in case of an attack. While this was the first killing, it certainly was not the last, as violence spread throughout the entire community.

“One day I was sitting at reception inputting some dates into the calendar, and I looked up from my desk; I swear, it was straight out of the Lion King,” receptionist Pam Beesly said. “Just dozens of walkers speeding by me. I tried to deescalate the situation, but it was no use.”

In response to the murders, assistant building manager Kellan Dustal sent an email out to all residents on March 4 addressing the situation.

“Use of the Plymouth Place facilities, including buildings, stadium and parking lots is not allowed for non-sanctioned events.  The safety of our residents, staff and community remains our number one priority,” Dustal said.

After 15 confirmed deaths and 32 people left in critical condition, the residents have continued to get more creative in their murder methods to keep up with increased paranoia and violence. The building managers have resorted to the ban of many common household objects in the residencies in order to prevent further harm.

“They’ve resorted to confiscating our perfumes,” Plymouth Place resident Blanche Devereaux said. “I mean, my goodness, you throw one bomb at Dorothy and the whole place is up in arms about it.”

As of 3:30 p.m. on March 20, war was officially declared between the long-time residents and the new occupants. Nylund has been taken to the Cork County Correctional Center, where she awaits trial and has had time to reflect on the evolution of the murders.

“I was so scared of this ‘senior assassin’ that I forgot to look inward at myself,” Nylund said. “At the end of the day, I started it all. I guess I was the ‘senior assassin’ all along.”

CAPTION Two seniors living in the Plymouth Place residency battle in the main battlefront, the parking lot, after both have been rumored to be the infamous senior assassin living amongst the elders (Gartner/LION).

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Aero Gartner
Aero Gartner, Opinions Editor
Carrying on the legacy of opinions editors with a Mitski obsession

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