Melon Yusk to build Hyperloop between campuses, eliminate activity bus

Brandt Siegfried, Online Editor

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Billionaire inventor Melon Yusk announced his plans to construct a Hyperloop high-speed rail train between NC and SC at April’s school board meeting. When finished, the Hyperloop will shuttle students underground between campuses at approximately 700 miles per hour, or 0.001428 seconds.

After an arduous permitting process and numerous detours around existing pipes and buried cables, Yusk announced workers will complete construction in spring 2038 at a cost of $38 billion. The students will board the Hyperloop at the base of the NC tunnel and disembark at a new station to be constructed beneath the main entrance at SC.

“I’m thrilled to be able to produce a dream I’ve had for years,” Yusk said. “Transportation of the future is right here on our drawing boards, and all it takes is a courageous organization like LT to make it happen.”

Students concurred with Yusk’s immense excitement towards the Hyperloop.

“To be honest, I just hated the activity bus,” commuting student Don Kare ’19 said. “I hate buses in general, but the activity bus takes forever so I’m always late for archery club.”

Principal Breadcrumb Waterboi also expressed excitement for the new project.

“We are so gracious to Melon for choosing LT to be his first Hyperloop development. The LT community is ready for this new technology to better our school,” Breadcrumb Waterboi said. “We hope that the project will not only improve our student experience, but also cut down on after school traffic.”

The Hyperloop will begin service at 7 a.m. each morning to allow students to commute before school to meet with teachers that begin their day at the opposite campus. It will continue throughout the school day to allow students who commute to attend their classes.

More frequent trips will operate during periods four and five to permit students at NC to have lunch with friends and siblings at SC. An additional train will run after school to accommodate increased activity ridership, and they will cease at 5 p.m.

Drivers from Third Student bus company oppose the construction of the Hyperloop.

“Third Student only runs a profit from LT activity bus revenue,” CEO Drake Ryver said. “We appreciate that LT is taking transportation into its own hands, but moving students is the job of hot, smelly school buses; it has been for decades. It’s a right of passage for scrawny freshman to walk down the aisle to the back of the bus as their peers berate them.”

Homeowners that live along the Hyperloop route have also taken issue with construction.

“You are literally going to take our basement,” La Grange resident Penny Pinchler said. “LT is legitimately going to build a high-speed train underneath my basement stairs and they don’t even care.”

Yusk has refused to comment on the situation, reaffirming that the Hyperloop will proceed as planned. A press release briefly mentioned the matter stating, “eminent domain will definitely be utilized.”

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