Ark of the Covenant, other items stored on LT’s fourth floor

Brandt Siegfried, Online Editor

While many believed that the Ark of the Covenant was safely stored by the U.S. government at Hangar 51 after the production of Raiders of the Lost Ark, local historians can now conclude that Illinois John actually stored it on the fourth floor of NC.

The discovery came after building and grounds employees were sent up to locate a pallet of computer paper. Nestled in a corner of the mysterious floor was a crate that emitted a soft golden glow from its cracks. Upon further inspection, a message printed on the crate read, “Do Not Open!”

Naturally, curious LT staff pried the wooden crate open to discover the ark.

“I was quite startled at first,” building and grounds staff member Jan Itore said. “But once we opened it, I instantly knew what it was. My son made me watch Raiders of the Lost Ark with him, so I was very aware that we would die if we opened the ark itself.”

Upon further investigation, LT was able to confirm that the missing sivalinga stone, the Holy Grail and the crystal skull were also hidden amongst the dusty mysteries on the fourth floor.

While LT confirms that the objects are there, at this time it is unclear how the important historical items arrived at NC or why they are there. District officials deny any knowledge of their placement.

“I, and other administrators at LT, were unaware of the items’ presence in our facility,” Superintendent Kimothy Stingray said. “Ben Stiller and the wax statues from Night at the Museum will come to LT in the coming weeks to inspect the artifacts and find a permanent solution for their storage, presumably Hangar 51 for real this time.”

After the Ark was discovered, students believe other historical and theoretical items may also be on the fourth floor.

“The unedited Zapruder film of the Kennedy assassination, the Amber Room and the black box from MH 370 are definitely up there too,” Iggy Oremus ’19 said. “The fourth floor is just so unknown to me, there could be anything! Conspiracy theories are great.”