Welcome to LION’s advice column, where readers submit anonymous questions dealing with life problems to get half-serious answers. Scan the QR code above to submit any questions! Below are all real responses submitted by readers. 

I’m a freshman, any advice? 

Between you and me, welcome to South Campus: home of the cockroaches and, worse, former middle schoolers. Out on the mean streets of SC, you need to remember a few things. First, axe body spray. It’s essential you sprint through a mile thick fog, and, don’t worry–your sweat will be masked by your alpha aroma. Warning: women will fight over you. After you smell nice, you need to complete the fit with the perfect haircut. Some trendy styles include the attractive inverse mullet, signature LT swim-team buzz, and the middle school boy ice cream scoop. Second, a map. You might get lost six or seven times, so this is essential. While navigating SC with your super cool map, make sure you avoid couples doing way more than pre-marital hand holding. Trust me—you can’t unsee or unhear what happens in the pool hallway. 

I feel like my friends don’t really know me

Between you and me, what friends? What friends would ever make you feel unseen? Let’s say you have the perfectest friend ever: Kevin. Kevin is there to laugh and support you everyday: from hyping up your Insta post to texting back your crush to making eye contact with when your teacher talks about their dysfunctional marriage first period. But Kevin’s also there for the delta math crash outs, the break ups, and Sunday scaries. Kevin wants to listen attentively to everything, wants to understand you, and wants to love you, not scroll and dish the occasional “uh-huh”. Look for a Kevin in your life and you’ll find one, along with understanding. 

My parents want me to be a doctor, but I want to be an artist. What should I do? 

Between you and me, I’d diagnose you with a serious case of 2000s main character conflict. You’re facing a real case of creative tension — prognosis: lock in. Your parents want you to be successful; do you sit back and let your parents scribble all over your life, or do you want to take hold of the brush and paint your own life? Join clubs/start your own, take AP Art, research top art programs, start an Instagram account, make millions on Etsy, enter scholarships, start your portfolio. Treat your art career as if it doesn’t have health insurance—prepare, be serious, and protect it. Anything you can possibly do to maximise your chances of never performing a colonoscopy! While your family seems torn between drawing blood and drawing pictures, remember that you’re the one who will live with the consequences of your career decision.