One week ago Brittany Parti ‘19 claimed she went to a college fraternity party at University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Yet her Instagram, Snapchat and VSCO accounts remain empty, which poses the question: did she really go out? LION’s reporters were on the case.
“Brittany was supposed to be at home Friday night, and I’m sure she was,” Brittany’s mom, Cardi Parti said. “I guess there’s no way of knowing, though. I was at dinner with my husband at Hillgrove Tap. We ordered the brussel sprouts.”
Brittany was last seen from surveillance cameras from her own house exiting her home and getting into an Uber, wearing a jean skirt, tube top, and with straightened hair. But that is also a standard outfit for “walking around DTLG” as the kids say. Brittany may very well have been getting pizza at DiNico’s or hanging at the Cossitt School Wall, there is no proof she was at that party.
“I went to the party! Stop saying I didn’t go to the party!” Brittany said. “But you are right that I did not post about it. Why didn’t I? Wait a second, did I really go out?”
The story takes a dark turn when later that week, Instagram crashed for over eight hours.
“I didn’t do anything on that terrible day,” Brittany said. “What is the point of going out if nobody knows I did? I wasn’t posting, so my parents didn’t know where I was. I started to lose sight of myself after a while. If I can’t update my Instagram story, then who am I?”
Despite Brittany’s moral crisis, LION finally figured out the party investigation. According to her mother, Brittany either went out or did not go out. According to Instagram, Brittany did not go out, and Brittany is too confused to continue with questioning. But, there was a crucial mistake Brittany made in her plan that lead us to our conclusion: the loyal finsta, AKA, fake Instagram account.
“Brittany has a finsta just for me,” Brittany’s dog Jean Paul said. “On the night she said she went out, she posted a picture of the two of us eating sushi and watching Big Mouth, therefore she was with me and not at Sigma Alpha Beta Omega Phi Chai Tea.”
So there you have it. Brittany did not post, and she did not go out. Tune in next week to read about LION’s next investigation: Does he really play lacrosse or is his hair just long?