After a losing season, the Lion’s football squad will be reinventing their practices by focusing less on strength and agility and more on aligning their chakras, auras and energy fields. New coach Dan Futballman has brought new practices to the team in hopes of creating a winning culture.
“At this point we’ll do anything to win,” Futballman said. “I really believe that the reason this team has been so off it’s game in recent years is because their chakras and energies are not in line. I could see it on the field when Hinsdale Central would play LT, there were purple auras mixing with green auras and throat chakras where mind chakras should be. It was a disaster.”
Despite the seemingly unconventional method, players have seen an improvement in their record and their football ability.
“After I got my auras in check I’ve been able to run faster and throw further,” Brock Strap ‘20 said. “It has helped me outside of football too, now that my mind chakra is where it should be, I have aced all of my pre-calc tests.”
Strap’s pre-calc teacher denied an interview request from the LiOnion, and would not comment on whether or not Strap’s increase in test scores is attributed to his chakras or not.
In addition to aligning their chakras, the team has begun weekly visits to a local psychic in lieu of ice baths, Futballman said. The team takes a bus every Thursday to see Madame Zamboni, who reads each of the players fortunes. Starters for the game are determined based on these psychic readings.
“I can tell who will get hurt, who will score, you see,” Zamboni said. “Their auras speak to me and I speak to their auras. It’s quite simple once you look beyond the physical and venture into the mind, spirit and energy field of each of the players.”