Consumer Education teachers Charles Ponzi and Bernard Madoff have come up with a new, surefire plan to turn all LT students into millionaires.

“Never mind all the balancing checkbooks and filing taxes,” Ponzi said. “If each LT student gives me their summer earnings—just about $1,000 or so—we’d be able to teach them and grow their money for them, tax free.”

Ponzi and Madoff, who were both hired within the past four weeks, also recommend buying daily lottery tickets and always responding to the Nigerian prince who sends an email asking for money to help get out of the country. Options such as opening a Roth IRA or other financial accounts are now frowned upon.

“The only IRA I know of is the Irish Republican Army,” Madoff said.

Since the two new teachers have taken their jobs, demand for Consumer Education has skyrocketed. Students are clamoring to take the class, and demanding the two new teachers.

“Dude, I can get so rich if they let me make money with them,” Edward Target ‘18 said. “If I just get five people to buy a box of fruit snacks, and they each get five people to buy boxes too, I could get so much money.”

The teachers have recently come under fire, as they are only offering the financial gains to their students.

“I would love to let [Ponzi and Madoff] grow my money for me,” Joey Letdown ‘17 said, who has one of the traditional Consumer Education teachers. “My college fund needs a lot of work. I just don’t have the opportunity to work with them.”