As Hinsdale Central student Bes Wurger stood in front of a Cook County judge on April 22, utter shock overcame him after being told that his high school was being sued by soda–pop power house Mountain Dew, for trademark use. Mountain Dew was carrying out the case after catching word that the high school had been using the name “Code Red” for the name of their student section, which is also the name of one of the soda company’s most popular flavors.

“I really can’t believe they’re actually suing us,” Wurger said. “I’m not really worried about it though because we have so much money that we can probably just buy the rights to the name or maybe just the entire company as a whole.”

Wurger and the rest of the Hinsdale student body have started a petition, asking their parents for an increase in allowance in order to pay for the rights to the name. Furthermore, school officials have also stepped in to help by awarding its students a cash prize for every assignment they pass.

“It’s a great way for us to motivate our students to excel in the classroom and help out a great cause at the same time,” Hinsdale Superintendent Richie Rich said. “Not only this, but we have so much money anyway, that we really have no idea what to do with it.”

The school faced a similar situation in its first year of existence when they were sued by Satan himself, for the use of the school’s mascot, the “Red Devil.” After a lengthy court trial, the issue was resolved with the payment of the souls of the entire 1879 Hinsdale Central freshman class.

Community members have been relatively relaxed through this most recent action taken by Mountain Dew, as estimates from the allowance increases have proved to be more than enough to buy out the soda company.

“We’re filthy rich,” Wurger said. “I’m really not worried about some silly soda company, especially one who’s probably poorer than LT.”