LION Newspaper

Donation drive collects rejected college items

MelRose Buckler, News Editor

May 12, 2016


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

On Monday, April 11 the College and Career center hosted a “Rejected College clothing drive” so that LT seniors could donate any and all clothing items or accessories that they naively purchased after touring a college that they thought they would get into.  “I thought I was going to get i...

LT security guards to undergo BUD/S training

LT security guards to undergo BUD/S training

Phil Smith, Opinion Editor

May 12, 2016


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

Anticipating new issues with the incoming freshman class of 2020, the Board of Education recently approved a proposal to send up to 30 LT security guards to undergo Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL training in Coronado, Calif., this coming summer. The course, which is usually used for training by the...

LiOnion endorses Trump

LiOnion endorses Trump

MelRose Buckler, News Editor

May 12, 2016


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

After four-time bankruptcy businessman and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump received a ridiculously high number of votes during Illinois’ March 15 primary elections, causing him to win the GOP primary in Illinois, LiOnion has decided to endorse Trump as the candidate to vote for in t...

Teen starts GoFundMe for Chipotle burritos

Heidi Hauch, Business Manager

May 12, 2016


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

As the cost of college and other expenses are beginning to pile up, Joe Smalls has found that he has little room left in his budget for the one thing he loves most, Chipotle burritos. So a hopeful and hungry Smalls decided to throw caution to the wind and launch a GoFundMe campaign for his burrito f...

Mountain Dew sues Hinsdale Central

Michael Grace, Multi Media Editor

May 21, 2015


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

As Hinsdale Central student Bes Wurger stood in front of a Cook County judge on April 22, utter shock overcame him after being told that his high school was being sued by soda–pop power house Mountain Dew, for trademark use. Mountain Dew was carrying out the case after catching word that the high sc...

Code Red

Izy Scott, Assistant Pulse Editor

May 21, 2015


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

Freshman are not expected to know the implied social rules of high school at first, but any LT Lion is expected to know the undisclosed laws of the LT dress code, including the prohibition of wearing a Hinsdale Central shirt within the realms of the gold and blue temple. On April 9 a freshman was...

LT teachers admit they have no purpose

Lidia Breen, Pulse Editor

May 21, 2015


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

Mia Pythagorean ‘17 entered her math class on April 1 and it seemed like any other day: there were equations on the board and papers on the desks. But, it all changed when her teacher, Erin Ellipse, announced the new math department policy: math doesn’t matter. “It was completely shocking,” Pytha...

Physics experiment goes shockingly wrong

Physics experiment goes shockingly wrong

Lauren Hucko, Reporter

May 18, 2015


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

May 18 began as any other day at LTHS would: students rushing to class, teachers sipping coffee to get through the day and a Monday morning gloom stronger than anyone could imagine. All of this suddenly changed when shrieks were heard coming from a physics classroom. "I had no idea what had happened,"...

Student re-evaluates feminism

Anika Ranginani, Managing Editor

May 18, 2015


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

After a really difficult AP Physics test on April 22, James O’Carter ‘15 complimented Mary Jones ‘15 for being the smartest person in her class. Jones immediately broke down and started to cry. “I didn’t know what was happening,” O’Carter said. “I know girls are always really emot...

Local man claims presidential victory based on Twitter vote

Local man claims presidential victory based on Twitter vote

Joe Okkema, News Editor

May 13, 2015


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

You’ll be hard-pressed to find a man as determined as Jack M. Peach anywhere in the country. The La Grange man is seeking legal action against the White House in response to a post he made on Twitter that he claims names him as the president of the United States. Peach tweeted on March 3 asking f...

Student freaking out mid-AP test is likely fine

Will Most, Opinions Editor

May 13, 2015


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

In the middle of her English AP test, Helen Ryan slumped down in her chair and started slamming her fist against the desk, shouting multiple obscenities and screaming at the top of her lungs. “You worthless piece of --------!” bellowed Ryan. “You’ll never be able to succeed in college! You...

Student council wins Mega Millions

Student council wins Mega Millions

Gillian Dunlop, Editor-in-Chief

May 13, 2015


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

LAGRANGE, ILLINOIS- Recent concerns regarding Student Council’s overwhelming debt will soon be overturned after winning the Mega Millions Wednesday night. “It was an incredible rush of emotion,” member Annie Ansari said. Although the group did not go too far into details for legality sak...

God: ‘Opposable thumbs always meant for texting’

Clare Quinlan, Pulse Editor

May 13, 2015


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

The introduction of the modern technology of texting has had conflicting side-effects. Parents are angry over their children’s over usage of these cellular devices, causing undeniable conflict within families. On the other hand, others are relieved with a quick, simple way of communicating short messages...

JV ousts varsity team, wins state

JV ousts varsity team, wins state

Garrett Ariana, Reporter

May 13, 2015


Filed under LiOnion (satire)

As Kelsey Stanton ‘15 walked off the pitch one last time for the Lyons Township Girls Soccer team, she knew that her JV team really did go above and beyond. They had shocked LT and the rest of Illinois by taking the state title. “When [Coach Danny Savage] told us that the varsity team “actua...

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LiOnion (satire)