The voice of Lyons Township students for more than 100 years

LION Newspaper

Archery club not cancelled

Archery club not cancelled

Charlie Stelnicki, Assistant Sports Editor
May 16, 2016
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

On May (xx), LT’s archery club is set to have its first scheduled meeting since October. The group has been so consistently cancelled due to weather and lack of attendance by teacher sponsors that offices at both campuses have ceased announcing the club’s cancellations altogether, SC main office...

Desperate times, expensive measures

Desperate times, expensive measures

Heidi Hauch, Business Manager
May 16, 2016
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

As most teenagers are picking up extra shifts to earn money for the prom dance and post-prom boat ride, Cheryl Watkins `16 has taken on an extra financial burden: a male escort as her date. “My mom said she’d be disappointed and ashamed if I didn’t get a date,” Watkins said. “Plus, I couldn’t f...

Obama family fed-up with presidency

Obama family fed-up with presidency

Izy Scott, Art Director
May 12, 2016
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

It started with a simple tweet from @POTUS on Friday that confirmed President Barack Obama’s attitude towards the 2016 election: “LOL. You seriously have no idea how sucky the next four years of your life are about to get without your buddy Barack :) #HateYouAll #SoDoesTrump.” The tweet, in refere...

LT grad rooms with serial killer

Lauren Hucko, Pulse Editor
May 12, 2016
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

As Katie Smith '15 began narrowing down her college of choice, she decided it was time to entrust social media with finding her future roommate. After hours of crafting a perfect mini biography that revealed Smith was witty and intelligent but still liked to party, she posted this biography in the LiOnion U...

Central makes video about making videos

Phil Smith, Opinion Editor
May 12, 2016
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

In what critics and soccer moms across DuPage County are calling an Oscar-worthy performance, legendary Hinsdale Central director, producer and star Bes Wurger returned to his original filmmaking grounds and made a pump video about making pump videos. The new production is called “Why LT SUX: The ...

StuCo mandates hoco attentdance

StuCo mandates hoco attentdance

Ceili Doyle, News Editor
May 12, 2016
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

After much deliberation and intensive thought, Student Council has now mandated that every student buys a ticket and attends the Homecoming dance in fall of 2016 in order to revive a sinking school spirit and to recuperate funds that were lost in the LionFest dilemma. “The school basically told...

Prom dress shoppers hospitalized after Pears

Abby King, Pulse Editor
May 12, 2016
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

After camping outside of the storefront in sub-zero April conditions, Kate Spade ‘16 and Coco Chanel ‘16 were ready to conquer Pears Prom Boutique. “I went to the hotel while my mom stayed in the tent all night and held my spot,” Chanel said. “I got some cray snaps from her at like 3 a.m...

New AP classes require no coursework at all

Izy Scott, Art Director
May 12, 2016
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

After thriving reviews of the no-fail physics final this winter, LT administration has released plans of a new, new AP physics policy that requires no work to be done and attendance to be optional. “We figured the no-fail final was such a hit, that we’d take it to the next level and see what hap...

Donation drive collects rejected college items

MelRose Buckler, News Editor
May 12, 2016
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

On Monday, April 11 the College and Career center hosted a “Rejected College clothing drive” so that LT seniors could donate any and all clothing items or accessories that they naively purchased after touring a college that they thought they would get into.  “I thought I was going to get i...

LT security guards to undergo BUD/S training

LT security guards to undergo BUD/S training

Phil Smith, Opinion Editor
May 12, 2016
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

Anticipating new issues with the incoming freshman class of 2020, the Board of Education recently approved a proposal to send up to 30 LT security guards to undergo Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL training in Coronado, Calif., this coming summer. The course, which is usually used for training by the...

LiOnion endorses Trump

LiOnion endorses Trump

MelRose Buckler, News Editor
May 12, 2016
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

After four-time bankruptcy businessman and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump received a ridiculously high number of votes during Illinois’ March 15 primary elections, causing him to win the GOP primary in Illinois, LiOnion has decided to endorse Trump as the candidate to vote for in t...

Teen starts GoFundMe for Chipotle burritos

Heidi Hauch, Business Manager
May 12, 2016
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

As the cost of college and other expenses are beginning to pile up, Joe Smalls has found that he has little room left in his budget for the one thing he loves most, Chipotle burritos. So a hopeful and hungry Smalls decided to throw caution to the wind and launch a GoFundMe campaign for his burrito f...

Mountain Dew sues Hinsdale Central

Michael Grace, Multi Media Editor
May 21, 2015
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

As Hinsdale Central student Bes Wurger stood in front of a Cook County judge on April 22, utter shock overcame him after being told that his high school was being sued by soda–pop power house Mountain Dew, for trademark use. Mountain Dew was carrying out the case after catching word that the high sc...

Code Red

Izy Scott, Assistant Pulse Editor
May 21, 2015
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

Freshman are not expected to know the implied social rules of high school at first, but any LT Lion is expected to know the undisclosed laws of the LT dress code, including the prohibition of wearing a Hinsdale Central shirt within the realms of the gold and blue temple. On April 9 a freshman was...

LT teachers admit they have no purpose

Lidia Breen, Pulse Editor
May 21, 2015
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

Mia Pythagorean ‘17 entered her math class on April 1 and it seemed like any other day: there were equations on the board and papers on the desks. But, it all changed when her teacher, Erin Ellipse, announced the new math department policy: math doesn’t matter. “It was completely shocking,” Pytha...

Physics experiment goes shockingly wrong

Physics experiment goes shockingly wrong

Lauren Hucko, Reporter
May 18, 2015
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

May 18 began as any other day at LTHS would: students rushing to class, teachers sipping coffee to get through the day and a Monday morning gloom stronger than anyone could imagine. All of this suddenly changed when shrieks were heard coming from a physics classroom. "I had no idea what had happened,"...

The voice of Lyons Township students for more than 100 years
LiOnion (satire)