The voice of Lyons Township students for more than 100 years

LION Newspaper

LT implements speed minimum for hallways

Sarah Grier, Assistant web editor
June 1, 2017
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

After years of student’s turtle-like pace in the hallways, Officer Terry Paul has finally posted the 15 leg paces per hour (LPH) speed minimum in the halls. Students and faculty now adjust to the major changes in the pace throughout both North and South campus. “I no longer feel like a freshman...

Deformed student finds calling in part-time job

Charlie Stefuicki, Managing editor of content
June 1, 2017
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

  During the 2016-2017 school year, the students and staff of North Campus have lacked a certain charm throughout their day. The bell, one of the most iconic features of the century-old school building, had been out of service for the majority of the year. School administrators floated the idea...

Gym flag footballers attract D1 offers

Grant Campbell, News Editor
June 1, 2017
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

For Hugh J. Hitter '17, playing collegiate football never crossed his mind. The gym class star has attracted offers from Alabama, Clemson, Wisconsin and other top programs. “Gym class was really the first time I played football,” Hitter said. “Mr. Adams told us it was flag football, but that didn’...

Fan gives student wacky new ‘doo

Caroline Konstant, Pulse Editor
June 1, 2017
Filed under LiOnion (satire), May 25, Print Issues (archive)

Student Mark Curley ‘18 was stunned when she found five inches of her hair on the floor moments after a ceiling fan blade detached and flew in her direction. Her hair was unevenly cut all along her right side, leaving her with two different hair lengths. No students were injured in this incident. ...

LT Football claims student athletes should be paid

Philip Smith, Editor in chief
June 1, 2017
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

After coming remarkably close to winning several games this past season, LT football has demanded that student athletes who play football should be paid for the 2017-18 season. “I mean, we already get all of the blue card money from cross country and all the other sports, but our players need to...

Consumer teacher: “Just buy a lottery ticket.”

Philip Smith, Editor in thief
June 1, 2017
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

Consumer Education teachers Charles Ponzi and Bernard Madoff have come up with a new, surefire plan to turn all LT students into millionaires. “Never mind all the balancing checkbooks and filing taxes,” Ponzi said. “If each LT student gives me their summer earnings—just about $1,000 or so—we’d...

Campus frustrated by geese

Brandt Siegfried, Reporter
June 1, 2017
Filed under LiOnion (satire), May 25, Print Issues (archive)

Geese at LT have become an annual occurrence. During the spring, Canada Goose nest in the court yards at SC. They inhabit the areas inside, around and even on top of LT. Students have cited excessive noise during tests as well as feces on sidewalks. These issues have prompted the school board to act, Princip...

Student athlete claims life is too hard

Student athlete claims life is too hard

June 1, 2017
Filed under LiOnion (satire), Uncategorized

Student-athlete, Brody “Lax Bro” Chaddington '17, has demanded to drop all of his coursework immediately. Chaddington has tweeted out several times in the last month complaining that “the grind is too much, Principal Brain Waterwoman let me drop.” Chaddington’s requests have been denied. ...

Auto club builds Transformer

Katie Palermo, Photo editor
June 1, 2017
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

Auto club has been known to compete in car competitions and go-kart races, but Ford Ferrari ’18 thought it was time for something new. After a “pit-crew” movie night watching 2007’s “Transformers”, Ferrari’s motor started running. “We’ve built junk cars into semi-operating vehicles,...

Shuttle provided from parking spaces

Greta Markey, Copy editor
June 1, 2017
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

The Board of Education announced on April 1, 2017 that starting in the 2017-2018 school year, shuttles will be provided from specified student parking places. The parking sections expand past the cut-off which denotes whether or not a student receives a bus pass, and therefore any student who parks there...

One of Chicago’s finest gems

One of Chicago’s finest gems

Phil Smith, Editor in Chief
June 1, 2017
Filed under May 25, Print Issues (archive)

A wall of scents hit me as I opened the door to the Ethiopian Diamond (6120 N. Broadway St., Chicago). Black tea, cloves, spiced meat and more poured out the door into the street, and the restaurant quickly amused all of the other senses. A live entertainer in the corner played traditional Ethiopian...

Athena puts the A in ‘Opa!’

Maddy Cohen, Assistant Pulse Editor
June 1, 2017
Filed under May 25, Print Issues (archive), Pulse

When looking for a meal in Chicago’s Greektown, it is very easy to become overwhelmed.  This small area is packed with restaurants that all serve authentic Greek food at a range of prices. In order to combat this confusion and stress, make your life easier by heading straight to Athena (212 S Halsted St.). The contemporary design of the restaurant is surprising and reason enough to take the trip to the city. The building is almost entirely composed of windows and makes you feel as if you are sitting in a greenhouse. The ...

Oy Vey Volleyball

Oy Vey Volleyball

Mikaela Larson, Reporter
June 1, 2017
Filed under LiOnion (satire), Uncategorized

While church league basketball may take precedence at LT and the surrounding western suburbs, the lesser known synagogue league volleyball begins its postseason next week with the only two teams taking the forefront, the Notorious D.I.G. of Congregation Etz Chaim in Lombard and Kiss My Ace of B’nai...

Festival precautions

Shierdan Spiess, Pulse Co-Editor
June 1, 2017
Filed under May 25, Print Issues (archive)

Festivals can be a great experience to see multiple favorite artists perform throughout the day. LT students tend to go to festivals, like Lollapalooza, throughout the summer. Although this can be a fun, exciting experience, students should take the necessary precautions to stay safe at concerts. Dehydration...

Kellogg’s Fruity Snack stock rises by 25% thanks to LT sales

Lindsey Hauch, Pulse editor
June 1, 2017
Filed under LiOnion (satire)

The sweet aroma of artificial sweetener constantly blankets the hallways and classes of LT due to Kellogg's Fruity Snacks. With three nutritional flavors of wild berry, cherry and strawberry, students can't get enough of this $1 phenomenon. However, many begin to wonder about LT's involvement with the c...

The voice of Lyons Township students for more than 100 years